apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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