I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
