I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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