I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
