I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I love you. Go after that dick
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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