I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
