can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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