Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
