just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
