Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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