You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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