He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
ttyl tear gas
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
