Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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