try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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