hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.