i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
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My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
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I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
you made out with another girl for some wings
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies