I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.