Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
