how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
don't judge my taste in strippers
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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