Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
