The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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