stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
