Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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