you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
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If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
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it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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