Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
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I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
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I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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