so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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