All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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