From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
