im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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