I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
