I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
