The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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