he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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