I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
