My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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