exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
