I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
This is not my ceiling
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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