this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
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Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
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We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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