he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
