so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
