Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
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