i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
