I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm at about main and main street
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
