i was born a porn star she said
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
