Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
