After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
