Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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