dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
