You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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