Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I wear drunk well.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
