You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I touched a dick in church today
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
