i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
