I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
