How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
