I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
