If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
