I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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