we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
you inspire me to be a worse person
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
