Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
