quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
im having a threesome with these popsicles
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
