I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
