if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You ate ashes out of my bong
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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