My cat gives me a boner
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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