i think i have two assholes
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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