Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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