I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
