I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
