In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
